There was soot and orphans everywhere, and gaslit cobbled streets full of fog and sinister gentlemen out for a night of illicit murder. It was a strict and unforgiving society; looking at a piano, eating too much butter, dancing with elan – the sour-faced Queen Victoria forbade all these things. And, it was also raining in the London of themdays – dirty grey slabs of rain that left everywhere shining and slippery.

You don’t know what it is to live and laugh and love and run a man through! You’ve never tasted salty air on your tongue or waved heartily at a mermaid!

The pirates left the boat in the Thames, next to the Palace of Westminster. They deliberately parked across two disabled spaces, because that kind of behaviour was pretty much the whole point of being a pirate.

I would like to tell you that I wrote my book to push back artistic boundaries. But I didn’t. I wrote it to impress a girl.

With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold tooth bounced across the deck.

This is what I like about life at sea. It’s one long voyage of discovery. Solid water! What will they think of next? Hopefully a pony who solves crimes.

You can't reduce passion and flair and eating ham to numbers, sir!

Babbage's Three Laws of Difference EnginesFirst Law: A difference engine must have at least six cogs.Second Law: A difference engine must be able to operate a loom.Third law: A difference engine must be able to kill a man, should the mood so take it.

I really didn't write it with any intention of being published. If I'd known that was going to happen, I would have written something more sensible, because now I have to dress up as a pirate for book signings... I would have done a novel about a man who hangs around with a gaggle of models.

I would like to tell you that I wrote my book to push back artistic boundaries. But I didn't. I wrote it to impress a girl.